Saturday, December 8, 2012

Less than 10 Percent

Since finding out I was pregnant, I have been anxiously waiting for the right time to write this post, but thanks to “pregnancy brain” (yes, it is real), and the first trimester fog, I am just now able to form coherent sentences. 
Less than a 10 (%) percent chance – that is the odds that my fertility doctor gave me for being able to get pregnant.  I had to come to grips with the reality of my diagnosis and the possibility that I may not ever have children.  Just as soon as I was getting comfortable with the idea, I find out that we are pregnant.  I think it took several weeks for me to get over the shock of it.  But once the morning sickness hit, I knew it was for real.  J 
I would like to share a couple of brief thoughts about our journey in parenthood so far: 

Oh taste and see that the Lord is good. (Psalm 34:8a)
  • God is good.  However, I would like to make clear that His goodness did not start or depend on Him granting me this child.  He has blessed me with life and salvation and so much more than I could ever ask for or deserve.  I am so overwhelmed that God has chosen to give this child to us, but I was overwhelmed with the grace of God in the midst of our childlessness too.  So many precious gifts He has given us!

Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases. (Psalm 115:3)

  • God is all-powerful.  But yes, He has always been all-powerful.  His hands were not restrained and His will was not constricted in any way prior to this pregnancy.  God is in ultimate control of this entire universe and He does what He pleases.  Whether in times of plenty or in times of barrenness, I am thankful for this sovereignty.  He is bigger than any fertility lab report or any diagnosis that my doctor can opine. 

Oh God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. (Psalm 63:1)
  • Be thankful for the valleys.  As children of God, we learn some of the most profound lessons about God in times of brokenness and heartache.  Here in these places and times, our desperation for His presence is at fever pitch and so He causes us to be moldable and hungry for His touch.  My prayer for myself and for those going through challenging times such as infertility is that we would seek the Lord with all our hearts. 

 …But in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (Phil. 4:6)  

  • Make your petitions known.  I want to thank everyone who has prayed for Matt and me during this time.  Please continue to pray for Baby Neyman.  We are thankful for every day we have been given and will have with him/her.  Yet, please continue to pray for the people you know that continue to struggle with infertility.  The first time we saw our baby’s heartbeat was at my fertility clinic.  Sitting in that little ultrasound room, Matt and I could not contain our excitement.  But outside of that room, sat a woman whose dreams of motherhood had yet to be fulfilled.  Our hearts were full, but hers was empty.  Please continue to lift up those you know are waiting on the Lord. 

    • “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” (Lam. 3:22)  

  • The Lord is my portion.  During my time in the valley, one question that had to be answered in my heart is whether the ultimate desire of my soul was communion with the Lord, or did I want motherhood more?  The Lord is my portion, not Baby Neyman.  What a wonderful gift and ministry parenthood will be!  I cannot wait to hold my child for the first time.  But oh, this will be nothing compared to seeing my Great Redeemer face to face one day.  God has already filled my heart with this amazing love for my child.  But Jesus is on the throne of my heart – I pray that nothing ever competes with that. 

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